Pit Plays P.T.

*shows title screen*

Pit: Sorry to keep you waiting! It's go time!

"Watch out. The gap in the door...it's a separate reality. The only me is me. Are you sure the only you is you?"

Pit: I have absolute faith.

*shows basement with cockroaches*

Pit: Gross! It's a bug!

Pit: Uh-oh...where am I?

*goes out the door and goes in the hallway*

Pit: This is disorienting.

*looks at the mess in the house*

Pit: It used to be so beautiful...

*walks up to the radio and listens*

Radio: The brutal killing took place while the family was gathered at home on a Sunday afternoon.

Pit: Wait a second...

Radio: The day of the crime, the father went to the trunk of his car, retrieved the rifle, and shot his wife as she was cleaning up the kitchen after lunch. When his ten-year-old son came to investigate the commotion, the father shot him, too.

Pit: WHAT? That's impossible!

Radio: His six-year-old daughter had the good sense to hide in the bathroom, but reports suggest he lured her out by telling her it was just a game.

Pit: But where'd the little girl go?

Radio: The girl was found shot once in the chest from point blank rage.

Pit: And to think...I was so worried about her.

Radio: The mother, who was shot in the stomach, was pregnant at the time. Police arriving on-scene after neighbors called 911 found the father in his car, listening to the radio. Several days before the murders, neighbors say they heard the father repeating a sequence of numbers in a loud voice. They said it was like he was chanting some strange spell.

Pit: Huh...he's destructive and evil.

Radio: There was another family shot to death in the same state last month, and in December last year, a man used a rifle and a meat cleaver to murder his entire family. In each case, the perpetrators were fathers.

Pit: Why are they always fighting? It's so sad and pointless. It's like they've lost their humanity and all they have left is...brutality!

Radio: State police say this string of domestic homicides appears unrelated, though it could be part of a larger trend, such as employment, childcare, and other social issues facing the average family.

Pit: That's kinda cold, but it makes sense, I guess.

*Pit goes in the door, back at the beginning*

Pit: Uhh...now what?

*Pit walks to the end*

Pit: Is this a dead end?

*walks back, slight knocking is heard*

Pit: Hm? What's this?

*Pit walks all the way back, and the door opens*

Pit: See you on the other side!

*Pit opens the door and the cycle loops*

Pit: Ugh, not again!

*Pit walks past the door, and banging is heard*

Pit: Gah! Who are you?

*Pit goes to the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: How is that even possible?

*Pit sees the exit door*

Pit: A way out!

*Pit walks toward it, but the door closes*

Pit: Whoa, what is this? The exit's moving away! Well, I'd better start... *notices the bathroom door slightly open* Umm...can you hear me? Hello?

*the door abruptly closes as Lisa's ghost shuts it*

Pit: Augh! Are you trying to...*notices the door is open* Oh. Alright!

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Come on! Is that really necessary?

*Pit walks in the hallway and sees Lisa standing there*

Pit: Ummm...where'd you come from?

*Pit walks up to her, and the lights turn off*

Pit: Ugh! Even your darkness can't hide from the light!

*Pit walks into the darkness, turning the lights on, and cockroaches fill the room*

Pit: Eugh! There's a ton of them! Nasty!

*Pit walks in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Not again! I don't care how nice this place is!

*Pit walks in the bathroom door and picks up a flashlight*

Pit: I could really use one of those!

*the door closes behind him*

Pit: Augh! Is the door busted? *looks around a little* Now what do I do?

*Pit sees the deformed baby*

Pit: Whoa! What is that? ...I'm gonna be sick...ugh, I'm grossing myself out.

*Pit glances in the mirror briefly, and the door opens*

Pit: A way out! So long!

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Everything's gone off the rails!

*Pit walks up to the radio as it's turned on again*

Radio: Don't touch that dial now, we're just getting started.

Pit: Yeah? Well I whipped up a clob-your-face sandwich! Hope you're hungry!

Radio: You can't trust the tap water.

Pit: What's with you and not minding your own business?

*Pit walks through the door, and the cycle loop*

Pit: This is getting really annoying really fast!

Radio: 204863

Pit: Huh? Can you decode it?

Radio: Look behind you. I said, look behind you.

*Pit turns around, and Lisa appears and kills him*

Pit: But where? Huh? WHOOOOOOAAA, no no PLEASE NO! Okay okay, fine! I give up! Please spare me, please!

Viridi: *barely audible* Hahahaha! Look at how pale he got! You're really scaring him!

*barely audible, Palutena laughs as well*

*soon, Pit wakes up in the basement*

Pit: This seems familiar!

*Pit turns and sees the bag*

Pit: There's stuff here I didn't notice before!

Bag: I walked.

Pit: Whoa!

Bag: I could do nothing but walk.

Pit: Don't you need feet for that?

*the bag finishes talking*

Pit: I have...no idea what he's saying.

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle begins again*

Pit: Oh, great.

*Pit goes through the hallway and the radio keeps talking*

Pit: I'll just keep moving.

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: My skin feels all tingly.

*Pit walks to the end, but the door is locked*

Pit: I can't get through here! Now what?

*Pit walks back to the picture, with "Gouge it out!" and a blue X written on it*

Pit: Hmm...what was that mean?

*Pit presses X, and the woman's eye is gone*

Pit: Whoa! Okay, first things first, that wasn't me!

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Something seems familiar about this...

*Pit walks through the hallway, noticing the baby's cry*

Pit: Oh, don't you worry! I can outlast any evil-

*suddenly something falls from above and shatters*

Pit: Augh! Okay, self, pull it together!

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Okay. Step one, breathe deep. Step two, clear mind.

*Pit walks through and notices the red light and the fridge*

Pit: The light changed color! And...eugh...hurl.

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Seriously?

*Pit walks in the hallway and notices "Hello!" written on it*

Pit: Uh...hello?

*Pit looks back, and a letter vanishes; repeat until the entire text is gone; he goes further and notices "I can hear them calling to me from HELL"*

Pit: Are you with the Underworld Army? Is that why you have it out for me?

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Greeeat.

*Pit keeps walking and notices the light swinging*

Pit: This is crazy!

*Pit goes in the door, the cycle loops, and he notices his immense speed*

Pit: Anyway, I'm on it! And I'm going really fast!

*Pit continues dashing through the red hallway*

Pit: Whoooooooaaaaaa! G-Force in my faaaaaaaaace! Look at me go! I'm all "whoosh woosh!"

*suddenly, Pit notices the peephole*

Pit: Huh? What's that?

*Pit looks in and sees the bathroom*

Pit: Well, that was a letdown. Huh?

Baby: I've got a message for all you folks out there in Radioland! Now's the time for action.

*soon, the sound of murder is heard alongside the baby's speech*

Pit: Whoa! What's going on?

Baby: Our society is rotten to its core. I'm talking to all the fine, upstanding folks got their welfare cut, got their jobs pulled out from under 'em. Yeah, you! You know what to do! Now's the time! Do it!

Pit: This is out of control! It's just like what Viridi says about humans disrupting the balance of nature, but it's worse than that!

*Pit comes out of the peephole and sees "No turning back now" above it*

Pit: At this point, heading up has gotta be better than heading down.

*Pit proceeds and sees the regular hallway*

Pit: Good! There's a way out!

*Pit proceeds as normal, and the cycle loops*

Pit: Everything seems pretty structured...

*Pit walks until the end*

Pit: Is this a dead end? Now what do I do?

*Pit wanders around aimlessly until the game crashes*

Pit: O...kay...maybe the batteries are dead. Someone needs a better QA department.

*Pit wakes up back in the basement and notices the bag is gone*

Pit: Oh, this place again. But where did...huh. Must've run off.

*Pit goes in the door, and the cycle returns with a green light*

Pit: Now this is a place I wish I could forget. Which means a second helping of crazy. Now what do I do?

*Pit notices a picture shard*

Pit: What is this?

*Pit zooms in on it, and static appears*

Pit: Huh? Is that...a good thing? I guess I don't have a choice.

*Pit collects more shards and sees the picture is nearly complete*

Pit: If only Lady Palutena were here to help me. Wait a second...

*flashback*

Palutena: You could also go into Options and further customize your controls.

*flashback ends, Pit opens up the Options menu, and sees a shard*

Pit: Hey, thanks!

*Pit finds one more shard and goes through the door, making the cycle loop*

Pit: Saving the world, one mysterious door at a time!

*Pit looks at the clock*

Pit: Umm...now what?

*the clock hits midnight, and Pit walks ten paces, hearing the baby*

Pit: Okay...

*Pit hears various sounds and follows them to the sources; he stays silent until the phone rings*

Pit: Uh...hello?

Phone: You've been chosen.

Pit: Who said that?

*Pit goes in the door, ending the cycle*

Pit: Now what?

Voice: Dad was such a drag. Every day he'd eat the same kind of food, dress the same, sit in front of the same kind of games...yeah, he was just that kind of guy.

Pit: I don't doubt it.

Voice: But then one day, he goes and kills us all! He couldn't even be original about the way he did it.

Pit: I had no idea. That's so sad.

Voice: I'm not complaining...I was dying of boredom anyway. But guess what? I will be coming back, and I'm bringing my new toys with me.

Pit: I'd like to see you try!

*Pit sees the trailer for Silent Hills*

Pit: Wait a second...whoa! I'm outside now? I can't believe it! I did it! Victory is mine!

*soon, Pit runs out and into Palutena's embrace*

Pit: Lady Palutena! I've missed you so much!

Palutena: Aww, you poor guy! You really need to make some friends!

Viridi: Huh. Looks like angels only talk big.

Pit: What are you doing here, Viridi?

Viridi: You know what? I'm done here. *leaves*

*after Viridi leaves, Pit and Palutena laugh together and sigh*

Pit: So now what? Order a pizza?

Palutena: Hmm, let me think...I do have a coupon!

Pit: Sco-o-ore! *runs off*